This morning I lost it again. Screaming and snapping and my innocent sweet husband. :( I need to find a better stress release or just one in general....Just not the hubby.
I'm so unhappy. I would say depressed but I've been so much worse then this. I guess that's something to be thankful about. Our debt is exhausting and holidays are testing. When we can't afford presents for eachother on our anniversary and this is the 2nd year in a row that we couldn't afford a Christmas tree (even a fake one) it's hard to be egar for them. We're going to have to save up for two years for our wedding and hunnymoon.
When I'm not in school I get extremely hopeless. I already feel like I've fallen behind everyone as it is and I'm getting older and 18 year olds are taking the same classes with me. What if I never make it? I don't want to work retail the rest of my life.
My grandfather passed away very recently and before I cut off contact with my family I used to be very close with him. I cut out contact with my family because they are dysfunctional, abusive, negative and toxic. Ian pressured me into talking to my family, one at a time, and justifying why I was doing this. I tried one final time to explain and reach out and I failed. But honestly it was a waste of time from the start.
So all through this year, I have been in mourning. Mourning for the family I've lost, but more, for the family I never had. So losing him for real like this and not be able to attend the funeral hurts.
But Ian, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. The first person to really believe in me, the first person to really love me.
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